Bear Nuts: Vanity Vitatility
by StoticM
Summary: Vanity decides to buy a product he found while watching television... It goes about as well as you'd expect. Note: I regret nothing, enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

Vanity sat on the couch late watching TV, he shifted through the channels. Nothing caught his attention he was looking for something to help him preserve his youthful appearance. Despite being the youngest of the pack. He was going to give up and go to sleep when a special ad came on.

"Now introducing Vita Vim, the male vitality enhancing pill."

He rose an eyebrow quizzically, he was intrigued.

"Live strong, be active and get the best performance when you need it. It's the perfect product to keep up your youthful vigor."

"This is exactly what I need to get an edge on the plebeians here. My youthful exuberance trumps theirs' in comparison." He smiled smugly. _Now I need to know the p-_

"Price I'm glad you asked…" _Convenient._ He thought

"With three low payments of 29.99 you get the best performance every night, just ask our customers..."

A blond haired middle aged man appeared on the screen.

"In my old age I just cant seem to get the same energy as I used to." The screen showed the same man tired in front of a bed, bending over with his hand on his head just as he reached the bed head, while a young brunette read a novel, "But now with Vita Vim I can keep up the best of them." The screen flashed white and now showed the man in bed laid back with his hands behind as back looking satisfied while as the woman smiled.

The announcer came back on again,

"Get your product by calling this number and ordering yours today!' The voice then speed up to the point where vanity could even acknowledge the warning. "Please note: Vita Vim is not responsible for any side effects this product my cause which include, heart failure, depression, ringing in your ears, or sudden hearing loss, chest pain or heavy feeling, pain spreading to the arm or shoulder, nausea, sweating, general ill feeling, irregular heartbeat, swelling in your hands, ankles, or feet, shortness of breath, vision changes, feeling light-headed, fainting. Please call your doctor if it lasts for more than 4 hours."

Vanity quickly wrote down the number...now he just needed to get Nerd's credit card.

After four weeks the package arrived in the zoo post office. Two zoo keepers looked over the packages, Vanity watched barely making up to the window.

"Really, man?" he shook his head.

The other man blushed frustrated as he looked at the box.

"That is not MINE!" He pointed to the box.

"Whatever man, Just watch out for the side effects."

"Like I need this!" He tossed it out the window close to Vanity, he quickly grabbed it and ran to the exhibit.

The panda paraded the box over his head in triumph in the living room. Prozac noticed and smiled.

"What's that you got there Vanity?"

"If you must know, it's going to help keep my youth vigor." He ripped open the box and pulled out the contents. One of the bears recognized the product and starting chuckling.

"That's very intuitive of you Vanity, I'm glad to see your thinking far ahead. May I see it?"

Vanity smiled proudly as he placed the small box in Prozac's hands. He looked over the product over and froze immediately, his eyes bulged out and his jaw fell to the floor.

"What?" Vanity said curiously.

Lech smiled knowingly "Maybe,' he snorted 'he couldn't handle the excellent 'enhancement' this product provides."

Gay rolled his eyes, but still smirked as he knew Vanity didn't realize what was happening. Fighter rose an eyebrow as he saw their leader motionless as held the product.

"A speechless Prozac?' He got up off the couch with and walked up to the Prozac, He still stood there frozen, his jaw agape still. He snapped his fingers to gain his attention still no response. "What does the back of the box contain a curse word or,' He made a mock gasp 'Vulgarity?" He snatched the box from him.

"Hey hands off!" Vanity narrowed his brow.

"Yea the runt wants to improve his 'performance' Lech snorted again.

He inspected the box, first he narrowed his brow, then he rubbed his chin as if he was pondering what to say, and finally he looked up from the box with a closed smile. Vanity was clearly out of the loop, so he decided to make the situation obvious. He cleared his throat and read what was at the back of the box;

"Guaranteed to satisfy your partner. This product will spice up your sex life, no holds barred action. Excitement guaranteed or your money back. Note: this doesn't include credit or shipping." The picture even included a woman smiling seductively at the reader.

He then gave the box back to Vanity and smirked. Lech let out a bray laughter as he saw Vanity's face, it was a mix of shame and horror. Evil noticed this and smiled enjoying the potential scarring that he was going through right now.

"I hear the side effects are terrible, but look on the bright at least you last longer."

Gay gave a small chortle while the other two, Lech and Fighter held each under their arms and cachinnated in delight, however Fighter briefly stopped when he realized something.

"Where did you-"

"Nerd's credit card."

"How much did this cost?"

Vanity remained silent as he looked at the ceiling sheepishly. Nerd walked in holding his stick, Evil's bane. He was not amused.

"Who stole my credit card?" He said patted the club in his hand.

The black bear looked at Vanity and stated flatly. "Run."


	2. Chapter 2

"Don't you think your taking this a little too far?" Vanity exclaimed as he hid behind the still frozen Prozac. Nerd was still carrying the club as tried to maneuver around their frozen leader, prozen if you will.

"Yes. Yes I am, Vanity."

"Then why are you doing this?" He narrowed his brow. "Because when I find out that my credit card has a hundred and forty dollars used on it without my knowledge, I get pretty upset." "Dang, shipping cast be damn- gah!" he dodge a swing from Nerd and repositioned himself.

He looked at the onlookers, not lifting a finger to help him. "It's great to know I have such great spectators."

"I hear lumps are great for you complexion, really brings out the colour in your face." Gay gave a content closed smile.

Evil sniffed as he wiped away a tear, "I'm so proud of him." "And I don't care!" Lech smiled profusely, He eyed the Vita Vim on the counter.

"Insufferable simpletons… What about you, brute?" He was referring to Fighter as dodged another attempt. "This might be good exercise for you." He gave a Cheshire cat-like grin. "Plus this teaches not to steal someone's belongings, you shit-king." He narrowed his brow. Lech chuckled at this.

Vanity flipped him the bird as he ran to the couch nearly avoiding Evil tripping him. "Really?" Gay exclaimed, he rose an eyebrow.

"The name is self explanatory." He stated flatly.

"I just thought you'd at least come up with something better, or nothing at all."

"When a small cub calls you, a moronic brute straight to your face, then proceeds to call you a bum. What better way to internalize him by calling him the king of excrement? Has a nice ring to it."

"Petty much?"

"I'm not above being petty, I know you aren't either." Gay smiled giddily "I wont deny it." He backed away slowly from him.

The girls walked in to the living room to witness this circle jerk...

 _Speaking of petty..._ Fighter thought. Sara watched the two dance around the couch as Evil lounged on the couch, amused by this turn of events.

"Anyone gonna bother explaining why the runt, and Nerd are pulling some road runner level shenanigans?" Sara asked.

"I hope no one gets hurt." Cara added worried. Vanity quickly ran in between both them to hide from Nerd's wrath. He mouthed 'ha' as he used them as a shield. Nerd panted as he walked to the two. "J-just tell me what cost so much money, a-and I might just leave you unharmed."

He looked up to the both the girls and then to Nerd. He remained silent again. Gay managed to respond, not to save him, but to yield some entertainment from him. "He manged to a buy a product on TV using Nerd's card."

They both raised their brows, Cara was dubious while Sara seemed intrigued at best. "What item got Nerd all riled up." Sara said.

Gay was going to try to draw out this rather embarrassing moment for Vanity as he saw him mouth out 'no' while waving his hands. But one bear decided to ruin that entirely; "The runt bought Viagra because he thought it was for vitality." Fighter stated bluntly.

...

There was silence. Then uproarious laughter from both of the girls. Vanity was steaming at his mistake being broadcast to the both of them. Nerd pouted and asked a question; "What's Viagra?" The rest went wide eyed, Sara was trying not burst into laughter, Vanity was honestly surprised by this new revelation, and Gay did the smartest thing possible; stop Fighter from telling him out right by holding his hands over his snout.

"Your about a subtle as car crash."

"Mmmh hss hvm to mmmh! (Come on, he has to know!) He mumbled.

"There are somethings in this world that need to remain secret. Besides I thought you'd be naive to this sort of thing?"

He sniffed his hands over his mouth, he felt oddly relaxed when scent entered his nostrils.

"Thmm im a lmmm smmm." (That is a lovely smell.)

"Oh thank you! It's lavender would you like to try it." Gay released his snout, Fighter's he smiled briefly. _Easy._

"Huh, this is something I'd expect blue to do."

Fighter narrowed his brow at her. She was right but he hated it.

"What you know it's true, speaking off…" she saw him by the corner of her eye carrying something.

"So, lover what are carrying over there?

He stopped dead in his tracks, then placed the box on the ground and leaned on the wall. "Nothing."

"So, it's the same thing you did when we first met then? How underwhelming"

Fighter smirked, but tried the his best to hide while Gay was giggling. _Must not laugh, Must not laugh, She doesn't deserve it._

"Besides I doubt he'd last long with aid like that anyway..."

Lech's mouth was agape, he was rightfully angry but that didn't stop her…

"The fact you have to rely on something so small only proves how disparate you are."

"BHAAAAHAHAHAHA!" Fighter burst out laughing, he fell to the floor tears escaping his eyes.

"Glad to know someone appreciates my humor."

"Look, I just wanted to have this tucked away, is that wrong?" Lech groaned as kicked the product to the side.

"I don't care enjoy your heart attack, or long lasting erection." Sara rolled her eyes. Lech gave a smug grin, " You know you'd love it." She bared her claws at him, Fighter reluctantly got between them as he recovered from his laughing fit and spoke. "You are not helping your case, dude. Remember what happened last time you tried to flirt?"

Sara returned the smug smile, "Right. In his dreams." "Please if this were my dream all of you would be naked. He placed his and his back then paused as realized his blunder... And chicks." Lech coughed out. "Annnd I'm not touching that, you?" Fighter looked at Cara, she shook her head dismissively, Sara on the other hand."And no one ever will." She folded her arms.


End file.
